Last Thursday, I came home from work and AF still hadn’t started properly so I said I’d take a test just to bring on AF and stop myself from over-thinking. Fully expecting another BFN I feel to the floor when I saw my BFP, I starting bawling crying and praying for a healthy pregnancy straight away. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t.
But because I am flawed and because I have experienced loss on my only two pregnancies before I decided to watch for progression on my tests. My FRER’s progressed for a couple days until the test line was darker than the control, and then they stopped. They have stayed the exact same. My clearblue weeks estimator is still reading 2-3 weeks at 5w1d (it goes by weeks since ovulation not LMP) and fear has got a firm grip on me. I could write this blog and tell you all that I am trusting God and that I have no fear, but I would be a liar. I am imperfect. I struggle with fear. I struggle with loss. I struggle with understanding why my body hasn’t managed to hold on to a pregnancy to date. I struggle. And I’m struggling now. I’ve got kari Jobe music on here while I type in an attempt to calm my soul.
I feel like I’m in an ocean of fear, and there are bricks tied to my feet and no matter how much I try I keep getting pulled back under the waters of fear.
I so long for this baby. More than I could ever describe. More than I ever thought possible.
I’m not ready to let go.