A miracle BFP and oceans of fear

Last Thursday, I came home from work and AF still hadn’t started properly so I said I’d take a test just to bring on AF and stop myself from over-thinking. Fully expecting another BFN I feel to the floor when I saw my BFP, I starting bawling crying and praying for a healthy pregnancy straight away. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. 

 

But because I am flawed and because I have experienced loss on my only two pregnancies before I decided to watch for progression on my tests. My FRER’s progressed for a couple days until the test line was darker than the control, and then they stopped. They have stayed the exact same. My clearblue weeks estimator is still reading 2-3 weeks at 5w1d (it goes by weeks since ovulation not LMP) and fear has got a firm grip on me. I could write this blog and tell you all that I am trusting God and that I have no fear, but I would be a liar. I am imperfect. I struggle with fear. I struggle with loss. I struggle with understanding why my body hasn’t managed to hold on to a pregnancy to date. I struggle. And I’m struggling now. I’ve got kari Jobe music on here while I type in an attempt to calm my soul.

I feel like I’m in an ocean of fear, and there are bricks tied to my feet and no matter how much I try I keep getting pulled back under the waters of fear.

I so long for this baby. More than I could ever describe. More than I ever thought possible.

I’m not ready to let go.

 

In the Silence..

In the silence my mind runs wild. In the silence I start to drown.

The shower is no longer my place of refuge, it’s far too silent.

The office where I work no longer my own comfortable space, it’s far too silent.

The busy train journey home is no longer where I listen to music and reflect, it’s far too silent. 

My bed is no longer the place I sleep, it’s far too silent. 

Silence, I think, is where pain becomes all you feel. Where empty arms feel even emptier. Where the struggle to not allow infertility to take over becomes overwhelmingly difficult.

Learning to find strength in the silence is something I’m still working on. The silence is becoming less and less scary the more I lean on God in those moments. I am learning to overcome silence. Who would have thought that something I once cherished would become something I would fear?

We are not alone in this. If you find you struggle in the silence, you’re not alone.

 

 

10 Things NOT to say to someone battling infertility…

I’ve made a little list of things people, real life people, have actually said to me when they are talking to me about my infertility. 

1. If you stop thinking about it, it’ll happen on it’s own. Honestly, is this helpful to anyone? No. If I stop thinking about it, it won’t magically zap away my problems.
2. You’re lucky that baby miscarried, it would have been disabled. Nope, just don’t even THINK about saying this. I don’t think I need to explain why. Just no. 
3. Maybe you’re not ready and it’s just not meant to happen right now. I am ready, I’ve been ready for quite some time and who are you to decide that? 
4. You’re lucky you’re not pregnant! It’s exhausting (yes, someone really said that to me, right after I told them how heartbroken I was that we had to go after IVF) Seriously, we would give ANYTHING to be exhausted from carrying a baby and not exhausted from crying wondering why it’s not happening for us. 
5. Just because things aren’t going your way doesn’t mean they’re not going the right way. ok, so I get that His ways are not our ways, but who are you to decide if things are going the right way at the moment. None of being heartbroken and battling this monster feels like it’s what’s meant to be happening. God did not want infertility for us. He cries with us, this is not the right way. 
6. At least you lost your pregnancy before it became a real child, that would be much worse. There are no words for this one. I lost my baby, not my pregnancy.
7. Relax, it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. I’m not a violent person, but if one more person says this, I may turn into the hulk! haha. Just don’t. 
8. It’ll happen when the time is right The time is right, right now, and your logic is skewed, was the time right for the women who didn’t want their babies and aborted them? was the time right for teenagers caught on the hop? No. So stop. 
9. At least you know you can get pregnant now. This is not a consolation. Just say “I’m sorry” don’t try to justify it. 
10. Have you tried taking *insert vitamin here* yes, I have tried everything under the sun, you name it, i’ve tried it. Please don’t tell me “all you have to do is….” you’re not a doctor and you’re not helping

It’s been a long road..

Let’s start at the very beginning…when I first started TTC I remember the excitement, we were both ready and I couldn’t have been more happy! Wow! Let’s make a baby! Such a romantic idea, such an exciting decision.

In my ignorance I thought I’d get pregnant straight away, I think I thought all I had to do was think about it and BAM I would be pregnant. Sure so many get pregnant from one night stands, right? Right. I’ll never forget the shock and disappointment the first cycle it didn’t work, but I was able to shake it off and put it down to the fact that it was only our first attempt, just my luck I thought, we actually TRIED and it didn’t work. The Irony! We DID manage to get pregnant a few months later and I was so elated, FINALLY I thought in my innocence, we did it. Unfortunately, it was not to be and that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Fast forward through a long and heartbreaking year of TTC and getting nowhere I decided it was time to seek help. I had surgery and was diagnosed with Endometriosis which was subsequently removed (though it does grow back) and I was given the go ahead to TTC once more.  I was sure the surgery was all we would have needed and our BFP was soon to be. Unfortunately, this was not the case. 10 months passed and BFN after BFN followed. In January 2017 we got a miracle BFP, I couldn’t believe it, my lovely hubs and I were so excited. We danced. We cried. We planned. We picked names. And then our world came crashing down. I woke up one night in tremendous, unbearable pain. We rushed to the hospital only to discover it was an ectopic pregnancy. I was admitted to hospital and so ended the miracle pregnancy we had long waiting for and prayed for. Now we are TTC again, naturally. We do however plan to go for IVF in July if we get no BFP by then.

This has been a long road. One I was not prepared for. I set off on this journey bright and bushy tailed, I did not know that I was setting off on what would turn out to be the most heartbreaking and difficult journey of my life. I did not know that hope would escape me at times and that the wind would be knocked right out of my sails. I did not know that fear would crash over me and take complete control of me. I did not know that sadness would become embedded in me and that I would lose part of myself to the journey.

Still, He is good.

When all else seems dark and hopeless, when the fear crashes over me, when I lose the wind in my sails, when I stumble over obstacles on this journey, when I think I can’t do this anymore, I look up, and I see that I am not walking this journey alone. God did not want this for me, but he will use it for good. I believe that I will have children one day, children are a gift from God.

Until that day, I will wait, with hope.